Another year has come and gone for the silver screen. We saw some real pieces of shit in films like Epic Movie and Norbit, but we also watched some phenomonal ones like Before the Devil Knows Your Dead, and The Bourne Ultimatum. It was the year of the villain, with Anton Chigurh, Daniel Plainview, and Stuntman Mike leading the way. It was a year where we saw the resurgence of John McClane. It was also a year where a handful of sequels left audience members disgusted and disappointed, I mean what the hell happened with Spider-Man 3? Unfortunately, as of press time, there were a few films I wasn’t able to see, some include The Assassination of Jesse James (damn you blockbuster!), The Orphanage, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, The Mist, and I’m Not There. The following covers everything from the best and worst movies of the year, to the top 10 villains, best directorial debut, and last year’s Oscar winner who had the worst follow up. All lists are organized alphabetically.

(I’d be pissed at the quality of of Spider-Man 3 too Spidey)

Top 5 Biggest Pieces of Dog Shit

Films that made you want to chew on broken glass, the 5 shittiest of the year.

 Epic Movie

This film is as funny as cancer. There is nothing remotely positive I can say about, other than it being quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made. I’ve seen porn with a better plot. The Spanish channel makes more sense to me. The last time this genre was funny, Nirvana was still a band. Think about that for a second.  You will lose brain cells by watching this. Even Jesus hates this movie.

Hitman

It has a shitty story that makes little sense, establishes absolutely no development with any of the characters, does not explore any of Agent 47’s history or background, and is so poorly acted at times it had people in the theater laughing. They could have gone in so many directions with this story, and instead it seems like they handed the reigns to a freshman film student who had no clue on what the hell he was doing.

The Invisible 

With enough teen angst to make the cast members of The O.C. jealous, this film goes down the shitter after about 15 minutes, totally ruining what could have been an interesting concept. The dialogue is stupider than anything to come out of George W. Bush’s mouth (well, actually maybe not). This is what happens when a major studio decides to make a film written by the writers of The Bodyguard 2 and 9 1/2 Weeks 2.

Norbit

The tag-line for this movie actually is the following: Have you ever made a really big mistake? Maybe the writers created this as a joke to see if some douche would actually star in it. But they forgot about Eddie Murphy, who has the uncanny ability to attach himself to some of the shittiest movies ever made. Winners like Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Daycare, and the Nutty Professor 2 would end most peoples careers.

Shoot Em’ Up

The characters have quirks that are artificial and pointless. The movie is meant to be stupid and funny, but just comes across as being really stupid and lame. Remember how bad the Wayans brothers were when they hosted the MTV Movie Awards awhile back? This film is almost that bad. This movie is a cartoon turned live-action cocaine induced fantasy, with a drug addicts wit minus the funny or entertaining bits.

Honorable Mentions

Death Sentence 
Hostel II
Hot Rod
Kickin’ It Old School
National Treasure: Book of Secrets

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Top 10 Best Fight Scenes

Click Here

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 Top 10 Best Villains

Mr. Brooks - Mr. Brooks - The inter-workings of a serial killer’s mind has never been shown quite like this before.

Anton Chigurh - No Country for Old Men -  If saw him in real life, I would run as fast I could in the opposite direction. He permeates evil.

 

Grendel - Beowulf -  Easily the most disgusting. Seeing this in 3-D was awesome!

 Billy Mitchell - The King of Kong- The biggest tool I have ever seen in my life. You will HATE him. He is like a real-life Ben Stiller character mixed with a little David Brendt. (rw).

 

Daniel Planview - There Will Be Blood-  They only way that this man is happy is when others fail. Him and Chigurh would be good roommates.

Lazlo Soot - Smokin’ Aces - One of the best assassins in film history. He would make Leon proud.

Stuntman Mike - Death Proof - How can you not love Stuntman Mike?

Lord Voldemort - Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix - Pictured in one of the most epic battles of the decade.  

 

 Ben Wade - 3:10 to Yuma - An unconventional villain who quotes scripture, is a talented sketch artist, and will stab a man to death with a fork if he has to. Bad ass.

The Zodiac - Zodiac - Even though you can argue on whether or not he actually appeared, he dominated every scene by soaking the atmosphere with question after question, which gave birth to the very fitting tag-line ” There is more than one way to lose your life to a killer “.  

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  Most Gruesome Death Scene

A tie between these two.

Decapitation by Ax - 30 days and 30 Nights

The Car Crash - Death Proof

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Top 5 Movies You Missed in Theaters But Need to See

These movies didn’t last very long in theaters or played primarily in art theaters.  

The Hoax

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

Reign Over Me

The TV Set

Interview

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 Best Opening Scene

Dan Abandons Alice - 28 Weeks Later

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Top 5 Most Overrated

These are critical darlings that earned rave reviews and just didn’t deserve them.

American Gangster

The story following Frank Lucas tried to do too much and was stretched in too many directions. It went from gangster film to crime drama, back to gangster film, back to a crime drama. It didn’t nearly develop the characters well enough as it should have, especially considering its running time. The story should have focused more on Frank Lucas, and the world he was shaped by rather than squeezing two movies into one.

The Host

This foreign horror flick that is advertised to be “as scary as Jaws” is a complete bore. When the CGI is the best aspect of a film, you know you’ve screwed up somewhere. The story stagnates and is a good cure for insomnia. Cloverfield is a superior monster film in every way.

Juno

Now this is a movie that I did like, but Best Picture? Are you fucking kidding me? It seems like every other year a pretty good movie gets nominated for Best Picture based solely on the fact it claims itself as ‘independent’. Lost in Translation, Sideways, Little Miss Sunshine; all good films, but no way in hell Best Picture material. Wristcutters: A Love Story was the real independent gem this year.

The Lookout

Joseph Gordon-Lewitt’s excellent performance is overshadowed by this slow, slow, slow moving noir. The movie makes a bunch of noise on its path to nowhere and is unsatisfying as it is slow-paced. The least they could have done is have the end justify the means.

Michael Clayton

This is an abomination to Best Pictures. This is the most overrated film of the year and one could argue if it didn’t have George Clooney, would anyone even have seen it? Three acting nominations? What a fucking joke. Every fall, some type of paranoia conspiracy thriller seems to come out. This is really no different than the others, except this is much worse. The narrative sequence in this film is broken up for no reason, the film drags, characters aren’t really developed very well, and it comes across as a muddled mess. The climax is awful and unoriginal.

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 Top 5 Biggest Disappointments

Movies that I was SUPER pumped to see, but failed to live up to lofty expectations.

 American Gangster

I Am Legend

This film just had so much potential and never delivered. It died a little over halfway through with some really stupid plot choices. And the dialogue at times was atrocious. Case in point: When Smith first sees a human for the first time in 7 years or whatever, one of the first things he opens his mouth to say is a lame comment on cooking his bacon. This type of one-liner bullshit belongs in Independence Day, not a serious film about the apocalypse. Everything that the film successfully created in the first half is completely erased by the end, and it is capped off with one of the lamest endings of the year. WHY DID THEY NOT STICK WITH THE BOOK? One of the worst adaptations I’ve seen.

The Invasion

I may have been one of the few people really pumped for this film (It was directed by Oliver Hirshbiegel. See the German films Das Experiment and Downfallto see why), but some serious red flags were raised along the way as the film was delayed a year and the studio ordered three weeks of re-shoots and re-writes by a different writer and director (The Wachowski brothers and director James McTeigue) because test audiences thought it blew. Maybe I should of took notice at that. On top of it all, it still had one of the shittiest endings of the year, truly the definition of anti-climactic. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End 

 

The story tries to make every subplot as important as the previous one, and goes in ten directions at once. Will and his father, Will and Davey Jones, Elizabeth and Norrington, Calypso and Davey Jones, Jack and Davey Jones, etc, etc, etc. There is just is to much going on and it is the main reason why it has nearly a 3 hour running time and is the weakest of the pirate trilogy. Its greatest weakness is that it lacks focus.  What started out as a classic entry to the action adventure genre, has ended with an average summer blockbuster, which is a shame.

Spider-Man 3

How does a sequel that has bigger action sequences, triple the villains, and more laughs become a disappointment? The answer: Trying to put to much in a single film. A reason for this may be because Sam and Ivan Raimi took hand in writing the script. The last one they worked on together was Army of Darkness, which is a far cry from this type of material. The film jumps from subplot to subplot so quickly, it doesn’t give any of them time to develop. We barely get to know Eddie Brock. Why does Mary Jane go to Harry’s aid so quickly? Why does it take so long for the foreign black substance to enter the story? They should have committed to at least one less villain and trimmed the story.

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 Most Annoying Character that I’d Love to Murder

Demented Crazy ADD Nunchuck Kid - Smokin’ Aces

This is one of the most annoying piece of shit characters that I have seen in a long, long time, one you absolutely love to hate. I want to run this little runt over with my car, then back up over him about 50 times and then beat him with a baseball bat with spikes on it.

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Last Year’s Oscar Winner who had the worst follow up - Helen Mirren - National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Helen Mirren did a fine job here, but why on earth would she star in such a complete piece of crap? She obviously didn’t read this script before agreeing to do this one. I literally fell asleep watching this, something that hasn’t happened since I was like 8 years old. The film has one of the most annoying characters I’ve ever seen and desperately wants to be clever. It is a shame that both this and the original have made so much money, which sadly will probably bring a third. Don’t watch this, it is fucking terrible.

Best Directorial Debut - Ben Affleck - Gone Baby Gone  / Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck - The Lives of Others

 

Ben Affleck should of started directing movies a long time ago if they are all going to be as good as Gone Baby Gone, which is an astounding debut for any director to have. Weaving a profoundly complex crime drama is no easy task, and Ben brilliantly balances waves of information with genuine suspense, giving us one of the most memorable films of the year. There are quite a few reasons on why this film is great, from the way Affleck balances its complexity, to its strong performances. But one of the integral parts on why it will stay with each audience member is the climax will ultimately create endless hours of debate. Any type of film that creates heated conversation a week after watching has done something special.

This guy has some serious fucking talent, and it is hard to comprehend on how this is his first film. Whatever his next film is, mark your calenders.

Best Action Movie - The Bourne Ultimatum

 

The Bourne Ultimatum isn’t just the best in the series, it is one of the finest action films released this decade. Forming the end of this series, it could not have gone off on a better note. The questions raised throughout the first two films about Bourne’s identity have all been answered. Never once did they take ‘the Hollywood exit’, the decisions made by the writers all helped make this trilogy into one of the finest that you will ever see.

Best Horror - 28 Weeks Later

Superior to 28 Days Later in every way, it is one of the finest zombie films to come out in awhile. With a gripping opening, that is unflinchingly terrifying, it sets the tone for the rest of this survival horror action story. It will make you jump out of your seat more than once and its 90 minute running time flies by due to some incredible pacing that begins with an extremely memorable opening scene.

Best Documentary - No End in Sight

 

This harrowing documentary was made by first timer Charles Ferguson, a political scientist with no background in film. The result is a disturbing look on the mistakes made by the United States before and during the war in Iraq. Everything shown is fact. Fact after fact after fact, it has no bias, and is so unrelentingly honest, it will undoubtably enrage you. The bottom line is that you owe it to yourself as an American to see this.

 Best Comedy - Knocked Up

 

Judd Apatow is now the king of comedy. After creating one of the best comedies of the decade with The 40-Year Old Virgin, he follows it with Knocked Up, easily one of the best and funniest films you will see all year. This will definitely make a star out of Seth Rogen, who immortalized the words ‘you know how I know your gay” in Virgin. Movies with this type of message that contain this amount of comedy rarely ever happen. You owe it to yourself as a human being to see it.

 Biggest Surprise - Across the Universe

 

I really didn’t know what to make of this film prior to seeing it. I am no Beatles super-fan, but the way that Julie Taymor constructed an entire film to the music and lyrics of their songs was incredible. From the zany sequence of the benefit of Mr Kite to the extremely moving Let it Be, the film does a wonderful job at creating a story that is told by the work of the Beatles. Excellent performances by the entire cast.

Best Guilty Pleasure - Transformers

 

The stars of this film are the robots, which took over a year and a half to create. Astonishing special effects leave you in awe nearly every time they are on the screen. Every time they transform, it is hard not to have smile on your face because they just look so damn cool. It is big, dumb fun from Michael Bay, and has plenty of his trademarks: explosions, chase scenes, 2-dimensional characters, random slow motion shots, slow motion helicopter blades, and a camera that spins around people.

Best Animated Movie - Ratatouille

One could make a solid argument that this is the best Pixar film to date. Brad Bird, creator of The Iron Giant and The Incredibles, does it yet again. Pixar should just ask him to run the studio, this movie is that good. At the Oscars this year they shouldn’t even have any other nominations for Best Animated Feature, this one is a lock.

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Top 10 Films of the Year

3:10 to Yuma

The Bourne Ultimatum

Before the Devil Knows Your Dead

Grindhouse

Into the Wild

Knocked Up

No Country for Old Men

Once

There Will Be Blood

Zodiac

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Honorable Mentions

300

Who knew that Zack Snyder (Dawn of the Dead) had it in him to create such a visceral and visual world that is on full display in 300. Breathtaking action sequences all done mainly in front of a green screen help make the Battle of Thermopylae one of the more visually stunning films you will ever see.

Atonement

A love story that is as epic as it is unpredictable, it focuses on an idiotic accusation made by a young girl that sends Robbie Turner (James McAvoy) away from his true love Cecilia Tallis (Keira Knightley). Wonderfully acted and paced, it also possesses one of the best shots you will see in a movie all year, an epic 5-minute-esque journey around a war rampaged beach. This movie will take you through the entire emotional spectrum, something not every movie can do.

Gone Baby Gone

Lions for Lambs

The best political film released this year, hands down. Yes, it can be a bit preachy at times, but the overall message this film conveys is inspiring, one of the strongest compliments a film can receive. The three parallel story lines involve a professor (Robert Redford) who meets with a student with potential, two American soldiers who are stuck in enemy territory, and a slimy Senator (Tom Cruise) who opens his arms to all questions for a journalist (Meryl Streep) digging for answers about how the current situation in Iraq is going to change. The pacing is quick and the story lines interweave with each other seamlessly.

The Lives of Others

Lets put it this way, this movie is so damn good that the actors involved took a mere 1/5th of their normal payday to be involved. They knew this was special as soon as they read the script. This focuses on the “Stasi”, the secret police in East Germany (before the Berlin Wall was torn down), which had up to 100,000 employees and informants. They were responsible for hunting down enemies of the state and anyone that appeared to be anti-communist. The story follows Captain Wiesler (Ulrich Muhe), a Statsi bureaucrat while he tries to bring down Georg Dreyman, a socialist playwright. There are scenes that will literally make your skin crawl, they are so suspenseful.

No End in Sight

Ratatouille

Sicko

Whether you like Michael Moore or not, the man has a penchant for creating conversation about important political topics that matter in America. In this documentary we see a different Michael Moore. He lets the examples speak for themselves. Nearly 50 million Americans have no coverage. 18,000 of us die each year because our health care plan does not cover what we need to stay alive. Certain insurance companies actually rewarded its employees who had the highest rejection rate. What type of system is that? Moore shows the recorded conversation that took place in 1971 between Richard Nixon and John Ehrlichman discussing health maintenance organizations, the birth of HMO’s, designed to make money and give less treatment to people. 

Superbad

Waitress

 

This is the heartwarming comedy of the year. With 1/4th the budget of Juno, which comedy is truly the independent one? Keri Russell gives an incredible performance as  Jenna, a pregnant and unhappily married waitress, who is born with the god given talent of being the best pie-maker in the world. Her life gets flipped upside down after meeting a suave new doctor (Nathan Fillion), as she must balance her douche of a husband and her passion for one last chance at truly being happy.

Wristcutters: A Love Story

This is a quirky comedy where each character is sent to a land of limbo after killing themselves. A land where you can’t smile, where each person has a unique story on how they offed themselves. It centers around Zia (Patrick Fugit) who is struggling to live in this zany land after slitting his wrists. You will meet a handful of extremely unique characters which include a Russian folk artist, Kneller (Tom Waits) who seems to hold secret information, and the incredibly sexy Mikal (Shannon Sossasmon). This film genuinely feels like it was made in the 1980’s, from its quirky characters and crazy sense of humor which includes a black hole where items fall and are lost forever. This is an absolute must see.

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